Angel of the Silence
by MeridaPevensie
Summary: A songfic based on the Counting Crows "Angels of the Silence". Dean couldn't make it without his angel. Castiel is becoming more human as the days go by. Just a set of scenes from their relationship as it changes. Rated for Dean's language.


**A/N: First time writing fanfiction in this style and first time writing for Supernatural, but I was listening to Angels of the Silences by The Counting Crows tonight and I just had to write a story for it.**

**This is super long, but I just couldn't edit it down much.**

**Disclaimer: Supernatural is owned by the CW and Eric Krikpe. Angels of the Silences is owned by The Counting Crows. I'm not making any money off this work, which explains why I can't pay my tuition this semester.**

**Spoilers: Anything past (and including) episode 4.20 "The Rapture".**

**_Well I guess you left me with some feathers in my hand,  
did it make it any easier to leave me where I stand?_**

"I learned my lesson while I was away, Dean. I serve heaven, I don't serve man. And I certainly don't serve you." Cas had looked so tired as he said those words, but the most difficult part of watching him walk away from them was that his eyes showed nothing but contempt for Dean or his brother or the grieving wife and daughter of his vessel.

Sam wanted to hear some sort of recrimination from Dean later, but he didn't have any lectures left in him to give. He was too tired of fighting Sam and he was too distraught at Castiel's dismissal of what Dean had thought was a friendship. He finally realized that he had been fooling himself when he believed that an Angel of the Lord would want anything to do with a monster like himself. The things he had done while he was in Hell still disgusted himself, how could a being as pure and beautiful as Castiel want to be anywhere near him. Of course, Cas would take any excuse to get away from him and Sam.

When they arrived back at Bobby's and Sam was locked inside the panic room in the basement, Dean perched uncomfortably on one of the few clear pieces of furniture in Bobby's study. Most available space was piled with books on demonology and folklore. He removed his jacket and tossed it on top of a stack of books, the topmost being a copy of The Book of Enoch. When it landed on the pile a pile of long, black feathers fell from one of his pockets. Dean reached down to pick them up and as he held them in his hand he recognized them as feathers Castiel's wings, which had only seen twice in the year since they had met. Once in the warehouse where he first met Cas and the second time during a some downtime that he and Sammy had taken in Minnesota. Cas had come to them and they had assumed he had work for them, but he had only spent the day with them in their motel room; perched on the edge of one of the two wooden chairs in the room while Dean watched TV dramas and Sam did whatever he did on his laptop all day. That night, when a sudden rainstorm had come over the town, Cas had vanished, Dean had gone looking for him and found him standing behind the motel getting his suit and ridiculous trench coat soaked in the deluge of water, but Dean couldn't mock him as Cas stood there with his huge black wings unfurled and his faced tipped upwards into the rain, ethereal blue eyes looking towards something only he could see.

"Cas, you should come in. You may have all that Angel mojo, but who's to say that your vessel can't catch pneumonia." He'd said from his, relatively, dry spot under the eve of the motel roof.

"My…mojo, as you call it, will heal any illness of my vessel's Dean." Cas had answered back in that deadpan, matter of fact voice of his.

"Yeah, yeah, but Jesus man, you're making me cold standing out there. What can be so amazing up there that you have to stand in the rain to stare at it; it's raining, all you can see are clouds." Dean put his hands in his pockets and hunched his shoulders against the cool air. "Besides man, you really shouldn't be standing out here looking like…that." He gestured with his chin towards Cas and his big freakin' wings.

"My wings can only be seen by those that I wish to see them and as for the rain…I have never stood in the rain before today. I wish to experience everything I can of my Father's creation." Dean didn't know quite what to make of the fact that Castiel _wanted_ him to see his wings, but he still wanted Cas to come in.

"Well I think you've experienced just about enough of the rain for today, Cas." Castiel blinked at Dean and then walked toward him. He looked larger with his wings extended and when Cas got near him Dean gave into his compulsion to touch the sleek, wet feathers in front of him. When his hand stroked over them the wings had jerked suddenly and a shower of water hit Dean as the wings shook to remove water.

"Damn it Cas!" He shouted. Cas's eyes had widened and his lips had quirked slightly at the sight of a wet and annoyed Dean. The closest thing to a laugh that Dean had ever seen on Cas's face.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I have to be going." Before Dean could make empty threats towards Cas for soaking him, the angel had vanished, but a feather from his wings had fallen to the ground. Dean leaned over and picked it up, tucking the soft feather into his coat pocket. It became his good luck charm, not that he would ever admit to that under any circumstance.

He removed it from his pocket now, it was frayed and tattered, but he now had another to replace it with; he put the other feather's back in his coat pocket and tucked one into his wallet along with the picture of his family that he kept.

_  
**I guess there might not be too many who would stand beside you now**  
**where'd you come from? Where am I going?**_

"If there is anything worth dying for, this is it." That's what he'd said to Cas and he still believed it, even with the crap that had happened since that moment. He'd said hurtful things to Cas, called him soulless, spineless, but Cas had come through in the end. Now he was hunted, they hadn't stopped the Apocalypse despite everything and now Castiel was cut off from his family. The only life he'd ever known had been wrenched from him, because of his loyalty to Dean.

Dean might not be able to offer him much, but this much was true. Cas was family, as sure as Sam and Bobby were Dean's family and no matter what happened, the Winchester's protected their own. Someday, maybe, he could repay the debt he owed Castiel.

He had no idea how he would fix this, but maybe with Castiel on their side they had a shot.

_**Why'd you leave me 'till I'm only good for...**  
**waiting for you**  
**all my sins...**  
**I said that I would pay for them if I could come back to you**  
**all my innocence is wasted on the dead and dreaming**  
_

"I killed two angels this week, those were my brothers. I'm hunted, I've rebelled and I did it, all of it, for you. And you failed, you and your brother destroyed the world and I lost everything…for nothing. So keep your opinions to yourself." Cas never raised his voice for that entire tirade, but it was the angriest Dean had ever seen him since they had met. The fact that he never yelled made it worse, Dean felt like the lowest scum of hell.

To be honest, he'd been waiting for Castiel to back out on them. Cas had given up everything for a man who broken the first seal and had tortured countless souls in Hell. He was slowly losing his angelic powers. He didn't give a damn about Heaven's forgiveness, he wanted Cas to forgive him, but Dean didn't think that was possible anymore. There was only so many times you could screw up before forgiveness stopped being an option.

Sometimes he wandered what his life would have been like if he hadn't spent all his time hunting evil and protecting the ignorant bliss that most of the world lived in. Maybe he wouldn't have been part of this problem, maybe this problem wouldn't even exist.

His first reaction to giving up the amulet had been to guard it, but the pleading look in Castiel's eye and the unspoken please when he asked for it a second time, made him hand it over. That look said more than words could, Cas was upset at losing his family, but he would stay by Dean's side and see this through till the end.

That was really all Dean had the right to ask for.

_  
**Every night these silhouettes appear above my head**  
**little angels of the silences that climb into my bed and whisper,**  
**"every time i fall asleep, every time I dream**_****

**_Did you come? Would you lie?  
why'd you leave us 'till we're only good for...  
waiting for you"_**

"And for the record this isn't about some prize fight between your brothers, or some destiny that can't be stopped. This is about you being too afraid to stand up to your family."

They left Gabriel to wait while the sprinklers put out the holy fire in the warehouse and he and Sam got into the Impala. Cas surprised them both by climbing into the backseat of the car and silently riding back to motel with them. It was late when they arrived back at the motel and Dean and Sam were too exhausted from their extended stay in TV land. Castiel drew a banishment sigil on the wall next to chair he propped himself.

"Why are you doing that Cas?" Dean said as he threw clothes into his duffel bag.

"I will stay here and keep watch while you and Sam sleep. You are both too tired to travel any further tonight." Castiel said this while staring unblinkingly at Dean, which was really creepy in Dean's opinion. He'd discussed the need for blinking with Cas as many times as he'd told him about personal space, he still hadn't taken the lectures to heart apparently.

"Are you crazy Cas, we've got a pissed of Archangel here in town that knows where we are. We need to get the hell out of dodge." Dean replied.

"Gabriel will not come after us this night, I believe you may have given him something to think over. If by some chance he does come, we will have time to escape." Castiel remained unblinking, staring Dean down. "Neither of you are in any shape to continue traveling, you were trapped for several days without proper rest." The stare eventually wore them down and both men stripped down to boxers and climbed into their beds. Sam fell into an exhausted sleep immediately and Dean eventually drifted off after shifting around and punching his pillow into submission.

Dean hadn't had nightmares as often lately, but tonight, after Gabriel's commentary about his and Sam's "destinies" he was assaulted by images of death and destruction of the people they had worked so hard to save. Fighting Sammy, who wasn't really Sammy anymore. Having to kill Sam and not being able to prevent the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people. He was wrenched from the panic inducing dreams by a cool hand on his arm, shaking him awake. He sat up suddenly and grabbed the arm connected to the hand on his arm and yanked Cas down onto the bed and pinned him before he realized who it was.

"Jesus Cas, you got a death wish or something?" He asked, breathing heavily.

"I may not have my full array of angelic powers Dean, but you could not kill me." Castiel had this way of making a statement that should have sounded cocky, simply seem matter of fact. "You were having a nightmare, I felt you would rather be woken than continue to remain in the dream."

"Well yeah, Cas, but still…I could have hurt you." Cas quirked a corner of his mouth, seemingly amused at how worried Dean was at possibly injuring him.

"I have heard that sometimes talking about a nightmare can help. Would you like to tell me what the dream was about?" Castiel asked. Dean was about to comment that he didn't do chick flick moments when he suddenly just sighed deeply and collapsed onto the bed beside Cas.

"I dreamed that we said 'Yes' and so many people died. Everyone that Sam and I have saved, they were all dead and I had to kill Sammy." He let out a shuddery breath, he wouldn't have admitted it, even under torture, but he was glad that the lights were out so Cas couldn't see the beginning of tears in his eyes. He wasn't sure how much longer he could do this.

"We will find a way to stop this Dean." The quiet strength in Castiel's voice reassured Dean. "You have a choice, as does Sam and we can win. I will continue my search for my Father soon, I am confident I can find him."

"Sure you can, Cas." Dean wasn't so sure, but he would support Cas regardless. "If anyone can find him, it's you. Don't listen to that your douche-bag brother." Cas' lips twitched.

"You should sleep Dean, you need the rest. I promise, you will have no more dreams tonight." Cas' hand was still on Dean's shoulder and the gentler pressure was reassuring to Dean as he allowed himself to drift off to sleep. The next morning he would remember, in a hazy sort of way, the feel of lips against his and rough stubble against his cheek, but that had to have been another dream. The comfort he so desperately needed from his angel was not something he was worthy to receive._  
_

**_All my sins...  
I said that I would pay for them if I could come back to you  
all my innocence is wasted on the dead and dreaming_**

"Team Freewill; one ex-blood junkie, one drop out with 6 bucks to his name and Mister Comatose over there, awesome."

"It's not funny."

"I'm not laughin'."

Dean didn't know what to do anymore. He had told Sam they wouldn't say yes, but what choice did they really have? Sam had long since fallen into a deep sleep on the other bed in the room and Dean was propped up in a chair next to where Cas was lying. He was finishing off the bottle that he and Sam had started earlier that evening and he had imbibed enough that he was beginning to see the world in a hazy, soft sort of way. He glanced at Cas and found him still passed out.

"And what about you Pretty boy angel?" Dean said drunkenly and laughed at using that Japanese game show host's description of Cas in TV land. "You sure as hell didn't sign up for this. I mean I've taken you away from everything you've ever known and what did I give you in return? Nothin', that's what; I gave you jack squat in return." He took another swig from his bottle and stumbled from his chair to sit on the bed next to Cas and lean against the headboard. "I've got you all banged up, losing your mojo and I can't even tell you how much you mean to me. I guess I've always just been a screw up, sure I can hunt great, but I've never been the smart one or the one that can show his feelings. I can save people, but I can't save everyone." He collapsed onto his side, his head landing above Castiel's head on his pillow and he lay there for several minutes, gazing at the sleeping angel. "I can't save the world Cas, I don't know why you think I can. You're the most loyal and worthy person I've ever met, but you pick the worst people to put your faith in Cas." Dean shifted a little, trying to lay down on his back, but halfway through the maneuver he finally passed out and moments later gave a loud snore.

Cas opened his eyes finally and sat up on the bed, looking down at Dean he sighed. "I know you better than you know yourself, Dean Winchester. I've never put my faith in anything that was not worthy of it." He pulled the blankets back and pulled Dean into a more comfortable position before removing his belt and boots and dragging the blankets back over him. He looked down at Dean with a frown on his face, his blue eyes gazing with concern at the deep worry lines that not even sleep could remove from Dean's face. Castiel smoothed Dean's brow with a hand and leaned down to place a gentle kiss on Dean's lips, hoping that he would sleep through the night without dreams plaguing him. A deep tiredness sank over him then and he laid back down on top of the covers next to Dean and drifted back to sleep.

**_I dream of Michelangelo when I'm lying in my bed  
little angels hang above my head and read me like an open book  
and suck my blood, break my nerve, offer me their arms  
well, I will not be an enemy of anything  
I'll only stand here  
waiting for you_**

"Please...I can't.... I need some help. Please...."

Dean couldn't do it anymore, this was too much. No man could be expected to continue on like this, his brother was locked up down in the panic room once more, detoxing from a demon blood high and he was questioning whether or not he still had a soul. There had to be an end to this, but he sure as hell couldn't see it. There was no way on God's green earth that he was going to say 'Yes' to the angelic douches, but in the end that just meant that was at loose ends.

He wasn't a praying man, never had been. He wanted to make his own way in life, praying to some invisible, all-powerful deity in the sky wasn't a part of that plan, but now he didn't have much of a choice. He didn't know what the hell was, he knew he was broken though, but no one answered, no matter how hard he prayed. "Is that it then? Not going to answer me?!" He shouted at the sky, his voice echoing off the piles of broken down cars in the yard. "You wanted me brought back! WHY!? I have got a soul, is that what makes it okay for you to fuck with my life?!" Yelling was easier than really showing how broken he was. When no answer was forthcoming he slumped to the ground, wishing that he had something to drink to blur his mind and slow his thoughts, but he sure as hell wasn't going back into the house where he could hear his brother's cries of pain.

A hand on his shoulder caused him to start suddenly, but a glance showed the arm was clad in a beige sleeve. "What do you want Cas?"

"You said you needed some help."

"Yeah, well I wasn't exactly aiming the question at you." Dean tried to shrug Castiel's hand off of his shoulder, instead he only managed to get Castiel to sit beside him on the dusty ground of the junkyard.

"Dean, I'm an angel…" Dean cut him off.

"Yeah, I think I've figured that out. I may be a drop out, but I'm not as stupid as Sam makes me out to be."

"I was going to say, before I was interrupted," Dean raised an eyebrow at how snarky and utterly _human_ Castiel sounded just then. "I'm an angel and we are perfectionists. When you have a Father like ours, you have to be. Do you really think I would have brought you out of hell less than whole? I've seen every part of you Dean Winchester, I rebuilt you from scratch before you took one breath in your grave. You are as whole and complete as you have ever been."

"I don't feel it." Dean admitted and thought that for a guy who didn't do chick flick moments, he was having an awful lot of them these days where Cas was concerned.

"You are a masterpiece Dean, my Sistine chapel. I have seen many people and places on this planet, but you are the most perfect piece of my Father's creation that I've seen." Castiel said with absolute sincerity while pinning Dean with his blue gaze.

"See, if you said stuff like that to women you wouldn't be a virgin anymore." Dean said, trying to make light of the seriously intimate moment they were having now. "Besides, even if you think I'm 'perfect' I still can't do what needs to be done. That makes me a failed product doesn't it?"

"Failed? I don't think so, but you certainly broke the intended mold." Castiel responded.

"Did you just make a joke?" Dean asked after a moment and Castiel quirked his lips up in a half smile.

"Perhaps."

"That's progress Cas." Castiel squeezed Dean's shoulder lightly and tried to steer the topic back to the problem that was burning at Dean's brain.

"Dean, I can see your soul as clearly as I can see your face. I know it's there and more importantly I know that it is strong, you have reserves of strength that will save us all."

"I don't think I can keep going Cas. I have to be the strong one, I've always protected Sam so I couldn't afford to look weak and you see him now, he's a mess. I'm so tired of being the strong one Cas, I just want to rest."

"I know you Dean and I know your weaknesses, you do not need to be strong with me." Castiel said simply. "I can be what you need."

"Can you?" Dean asked and stared into Castiel's eyes, trying to communicate what he needed to his angel.

"Yes" was all Castiel said before he leaned further into Dean and captured his mouth in a kiss._  
_

**_All my sins...  
I said that I would pay for them if I could come back to you  
all my innocence is wasted on the dead and dreaming_**

There was still an Apocalypse to stop and more than a few problems plaguing the world, but for that moment under the night sky, under the watchful gaze of the stars, two of the world's champions found some peace.

**_I'm gone, I'm gone, I'll leave today_**

**_I'm gone, I'm gone, take me away_**


End file.
